


Weed Problem

by orphan_account



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Anal Sex, Consentacles, M/M, Not dubcon tentacles for once, Oral Sex, Other, Tentacles, Well technically Plantacles, close enough
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-17
Updated: 2015-10-17
Packaged: 2018-04-26 20:32:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5019397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One of Dagna's experiments goes wrong, and Cullen and Dorian take a break from their chess match to try and fix it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Weed Problem

**Author's Note:**

> I finally wrote something with Cullen that isn't _totally_ depraved.  
>  Unbeta'd

“Your move, Dorian.” Cullen said as he confidently moved his rook to where the mage’s bishop formerly stood, relinquishing Dorian of another chess piece. They had been playing for hours now and were towards the end of their third and final match. Corypheus was gone. The Venatori and Red Templars had diminished to such small numbers that troops didn’t require his guidance on handling them. Truly, for the first time in years, Cullen had time to relax. And when Dorian suggested a rematch, he had no reason not to oblige.

“Don’t get cocky just yet.” Dorian was looking down intently at the board, thinking of his next move. But when Dorian smirked he did so with his entire face, and it was a feature that was not lost on Cullen. He had to admit, Cullen did not expect to be so fond of the man from Tevinter. A mage from Tevinter, no less. But he was charming, and his faults were the kind Cullen wouldn’t at all mind dealing with. Dorian went to move a piece but was interrupted by an intense rapping at the door of Cullen’s office.

“Commander! We uh, have a small problem.” Dagna’s voice, loud and uneasy. That wasn’t a good sign.

“Come in.” Cullen and Dorian looked at each other, mentally agreeing they’d continue their game later. Dagna entered the room along with Harritt, who was slightly bent over and out of breath.

“Hmm, so this is your office.” Dagna’s eyes traveled across the room, scanning every object and noting every detail.

“Ahem. So, what is this ‘small’ problem?” Dagna shook her head as if she’d been snapped out of a trance.

“Oh yeah. Well, you see I was doing some experiments to see how plant life react to red lyrium. We’re just beginning to clean up the mess the red templars left behind, and we’ve gotten reports of plants growing larger than usual in some areas. So I asked Sister Nightingale if her agents could bring me plants from different areas as samples.” Harritt huffed loudly and finally straightened himself out.

“I put them in individual pots with a small red lyrium shard in the soil. A few grew slightly larger than normal at a rapid pace, some didn’t react at all, and others died. One, however...it uh…we came in this morning and-”

“It’s huge! The damn thing’s overgrown the entire undercroft. It tried to grab us and we ran.”

“It tried to grab you? How interesting,” Dorian said, chuckling as he got up from his chair, “ and while we’re on the subject of grabbing things, I’ll go get my staff. Once I get back we can head over, do a little gardening, and get back to our game.” Dorian sauntered past the two standing in the doorway, ready to get to work.

* * *

 

“Are you ready?” Cullen asked as he drew his sword and placed his other hand firmly on the door to the Undercroft.  If this were a few weeks earlier they would’ve received some overly suspicious stares from the people who occupied Skyhold’s main hall. Thankfully a majority had left after their celebratory banquet, and the last of them returned to their homes a few days ago.

“I’m always ready.” Dorian assured, tightening his grip on his staff. It was a plant after all, not a darkspawn magister or a fear demon. A plant was as frightening as a baby nug once you’ve been face to face with things like that.

“Go commander! Beat that plant. With the help of...Dori-ant? No that doesn’t work. What words rhyme with plant? Can’t, rant. arrogant? I mean that would fit…” Dagna’s cheer quickly faltered and the two men decided it would be better for everyone if they just went ahead.

Cullen and Dorian went through the door and descended down the stairs. Once they reached the final door Dorian prepared a fire spell, ready to turn their new guest into ash. Cullen opened the door and almost instantly green tentacles shot past them, knocking both men’s weapons from their grasp. Cullen counted six, although at the speed they moved it was difficult to count. Vines wrapped around their wrists and ankles, then tugged them into the room and shut the door behind them.

“This is going wonderfully already.” Dorian technically didn’t need his staff since his target was so close, but with his hands restrained as well there was nothing he could do.

The plant lifted both men up into the air by their wrists, and with another vine it grabbed a blade leaning against the workbench. The vine curled back to strike, and both men resigned themselves to their fate. They closed their eyes, bracing themselves to be struck down. But the hit never came and they uneasily opened their eyes. Dorian and Cullen were surprised to find themselves alive and uninjured. But their clothes from the waist down had been cut and tattered, leaving both of them completely exposed.

"Well, by the fact it knows to use tools, it's intelligent. It was also nice enough not to kill us. Smart and kind? This plant is better than most people, especially the ones I've met." Dorian calmly , a stark contrast to the blond main struggling against his restraints.

"Dorian, this is not the time for jokes!" Cullen's voice was unusually high, almost comically so.

"How _adorable,_ you're embarrassed." Dorian made sure to stress each adjective, taking joy in how the commander's brow furrowed in frustration.

"How are you not?!" Cullen tried to close his legs in a futile attempt to cover himself. He was starting to wish the thing had just killed him instead. That was less socially mortifying.

"Nudity doesn't have to be raunchy and vulgar, you know? I find it quite artistic.” Dorian always made sure to keep everything neat and trim, a dusting of barely there hairs traveling up his thighs and a perfectly contained bush atop his groin. The commander wasn’t as pristine, maybe that was the source of his discomfort, Dorian wondered. Cullen’s Varrick given name of “Curly” was indeed more true than the dwarf thought, or would ever want to know. But it was not at all overbearing or harsh to the eyes. It quite fit the rustic, Ferelden culture so to say.

“Besides, your ‘little’ lion cub is nothing to be ashamed of.” Dorian was teasing, but that wasn’t to say he was lying either. The commander was sized quite nicely.

“D-Dorian!” A flush quickly grew on Cullen’s cheeks, and the aforementioned appendage twitched and hardened slightly, almost as if to thank the other man for his praise. The movement caught the plant’s attention, and a vine dipped to wrap around the man’s half hard cock. It pumped the man’s member until it stood at full attention then pulled away.

“Well, it looks like someone is starting to enjoy themselves.”

“Nonsense! It’s because the-” Cullen’s objections came to a halt when he looked over to find Dorian just as hard. And he couldn’t recall any of the vines other than the one’s holding him up touching him. It didn’t take a genius to put two and two together, and Cullen couldn’t deny he was a little proud he had such an effect on the other man. The plant moved them so that Dorian and Cullen were face to face, body’s pressed against one another’s.

“We’re stuck until someone else can save us. So we may as well make the best of this situation.” While their arms were held still, their lower bodies were free to move. Dorian took advantage of this and rolled his hips up into Cullen, rubbing their cocks together. Cullen took in a short breath and began mirroring Dorian's movements. The mage was right. They should enjoy themselves in the meantime, and Cullen was definitely doing so.

More vines sprouted, thinner than the rest, and snuck under both men's still clothed torsos. The tentacles felt up their stomachs as the vines made way to the men's nipples. Moving in unison, the vines plucked and flicked the hardening nubs. Cullen's cock throbbed, not only from the plant stimulating his chest, but from seeing how nicely Dorian responded. Dorian's eyes fluttered shut and his head lulled to the side, lips parted as he took in labored breaths. It was a gorgeous sight, one Cullen would like to recreate _without_ a third party.

The vines that were around Dorian’s ankles moved, lifting and spreading his legs. Another vine came up between Dorian’s legs and traced the rim of his hole. A clear substance began to leak from the pores at the tip, lubricating Dorian’s entrance. Once a fair amount dripped onto his hole, the vine wiggled it’s way inside. Dorian couldn’t help but loudly moan, mixing in with the obscene noises coming from the tentacle thrusting in and out of him. The display layed out before Cullen took it’s toll, his cock throbbing hard and body feeling hot.

It was a shameful desire, something he’d deal with at the makeshift Chantry at a later date. But for now he needed to come, and exactly how that happened he’d leave to the plant’s discretion. A tentacle snaked around Cullen's thigh and slithered up between his cheeks. It was slick, undoubtedly with the same substance it used to lubricate Dorian, and hot against his skin. It was noticeably much thicker than all the others, but Cullen was up for the challenge. Especially after seeing how Dorian was enjoying himself. Cullen wiggled his hips, communicating as best you could with a somewhat sentient plant that he was ready.

The tentacle pushed forward, Cullen's eyes fluttering and mouth agape as the vine stretched him open. Whatever substance the vine secreted allowed it to spread Cullen with relative ease, though naturally there was still some resistance, and soon he felt the tentacle traveling deep inside him. It was a sensation unlike anything he'd felt before, in the best way possible. The vine retracted slowly, only 2 or 3 inches remaining inside, then thrust back in. Cullen wailed in pleasure, and the plant seized the opportunity to send two vines to his mouth. The vines firmly held his jaw open, and letting another vine dart into his mouth. It didn't have as much girth as the one in his ass, but it was thick nonetheless.

The vine delved into his throat, pistoning in and out of his mouth at a steady pace. Tears burned at the corners of Cullen's eyes and the urge to gag was unbelievably strong, but thankfully the plant kept him open. The vine lurched as deep as it could go into Cullen's throat then went stiff, "coming" into the commander's throat. Cullen had no choice but to swallow what the plant secreted into his mouth, dripping down his throat like warm honey. The vine pulled out then lowered itself to Cullen's cock, wrapping around it and stroking him almost graciously. Cullen wasn't sure whether the fact it seemed to have manners concerned or intrigued him. Or maybe it was a mix of both?

The vine stroking his cock moved much more steadily than the one erratically thrusting inside him. Cullen knew what it’s uneven speed signaled, and looked over to find the one in Dorian moving the same. Speaking of the mage, the expression on his face was nothing short of pure pleasure. Eyes shut, head lulled to the side, chest shaking as he took in ragged breaths. A tinge of envy grew in the pit of Cullen’s stomach, but that was speedily replaced by a warm pressure rising in his crotch. His orgasm would be here sooner rather than later.

Before he could reach his peak, the vine in Dorian ceased its movement and shook. A soft groan spilled from his mouth, adding to the numerous sweet sounds the mage has emitted since this all began. Cullen knew the vine had finished, but instead of pulling out it continued to make short thrusts into a particular spot that made Dorian’s toes curl. Dorian’s entire body trembled and his cock jumped, twitching back and forth as the cum was fucked from his body. It flowed down the side of his cock, dripping to his inner thighs and eventually down to the floor. That was the final push Cullen needed and he came, ropes of cum spurting from his cock and landing on the ground with a splat. His hole clenched around the vine pistoning in and out him, and similar to the one previously in his throat it went stiff before firing deep into his ass. 

The plant faltered after it spent itself, the grip it had on the men’s wrists loosening. Dorian recovered from his orgasm fairly quickly and aimed his sights at the center of the room, spotting a red glow where the vines all seemed to converge. Focusing on that spot Dorian snapped his fingers, a pillar of ice rising up from the ground. All of the vines spasmed, then went limp as the life left the plant. Both men braced themselves for their landing, and dropped to the floor on their feet.

“That was much more trying than expected, now wasn’t it?” Dorian took a moment to gather himself then grabbed some spare cloth used to make armor and cleaned himself up, Cullen quickly following suit.

“Perhaps there are some trousers in the storage chest?” Dorian suggested, the commander’s face lighting up at the possibility of keeping some of his dignity today. Cullen picked up his discarded sword and cut the vines covering the chest. He opened it and pulled out two pairs of trousers that went to an armor set still in the chest. While Cullen was relieved and immediately began to put them on, Dorian stared in utter disgust.

"Is something the matter?"

"Is something the matter he asks, look at these horrid things!" Dorian held up the black and yellow checkered pants, visibly appalled at their mere existence.

“It’s either wear those, or go naked.” Dorian paused for a moment, and the next Cullen knew a pair of checkered pants flew past him and back into the chest. Dorian quickly turned on his heel, and marched unabashed through the door. Confidence was good to have, but he had enough to share with the entirety of southern Thedas. Cullen sighed, took off his coat, and hurried after Dorian. Hopefully he could catch up with the Tevinter Flasher before anyone saw something too scarring.


End file.
